Dating Dilemma: The Man Who Said He'd Call and Didn't

You went out with the guy. You both had a great time (or at least you thought he did!). You said goodnight, and he said he'd call you.

He didn't.

Why? What did you say to offend him? Was it your hair? Your clothes? Your weight? What's wrong with you, anyway?

The answers to those questions are as follows: Who cares? Nothing, no, no, no, and not a damn thing.

Every woman in the world--no matter how thin, beautiful, smart, kind or talented--has been disappointed by a guy she really liked who said he'd call but didn't.

Whatever you do, don't call him. Why? Because he said he'd call you, and he didn't. Which means that either his word is no good (better to know that early on!), or that he accidentally threw away your phone number with the tin foil he wrapped his peanut butter sandwich in.

Yes, of course women have every right to phone a man (as long as they're cool about it), but why put yourself at a disadvantage by calling someone who pretty much lied to you? Who needs it?

Now, before you fall into the funk that says you're never going to get married, all your dates end badly, you're getting older by the second, you're going to die alone...

STOP!

The truth is, the guy has done you a favor. He's not right for you, and in a cowardly manner he's let you know that immediately, rather than stringing you along for weeks. Rejection always hurts, sure, but it happens to everybody. And you're a big girl; you'll definitely get over it.

Remind yourself of what you have to offer, of what makes you special. Know that if somebody with your fine qualities exists, surely a man with the good taste to love and appreciate you exists.

Know this: The world is full of much better men than the toad who let you down. And every rejection you face is a step toward the right man, the one who's truly worthy of you and will add to your happiness.

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by: Terry Hernon MacDonald

Terry Hernon MacDonald is the author of "How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams." Visit her website at http://www.marrysmart.com.

Mindfulness and Mood Swings: 7 Secrets to Successful Mood-Watching

I consider myself a pro when it comes to watching mood swings. After all, I've had plenty of my own, and I have the added advantage of having four teenage daughters to observe.

To be honest, my girls are not moody. In fact, our home climate is remarkably clear and sunny. That's precisely why it is so easy to watch a mood coming over the horizon.

Think about it. If you're in the middle of a storm, you can't even see the horizon, let alone remember to look that direction in order to be aware of what's heading your way. You need clear skies for that--or at least a very high cloud cover.

Mood-watching is a fascinating mindfulness exercise, and you've got plenty of high and low pressure areas of your own to keep you busy. The trick is learning how to read the ol' mood barometer.

You can do this with your own moods, but frankly, it's a lot easier to practice by watching others. In both cases, we need to learn how to recognize the signs of an approaching storm.

We tend to get in the way of understanding our own moods while we're in them. We're better at developing our mood-watching skills when we start with someone else's storm. So, let's do that.

By becoming a--key word here--nonjudgmental observer of the moods of those you love, you can learn a great deal about yourself and your own reactions. Here are seven key mood-watching elements:

#1 Take a look at the satellite map.

What's coming up in the next few hours or days? A test? An interview? A break-up? A big game? A project deadline? Be aware of the high and low pressure zones and pay attention to any merging storm fronts that could result in gale force winds.

#2 Don't rely on the forecast exclusively.

Sometimes the storms that are predicted on the 11:00 news never materialize. It's great to know what's expected, but don't forget to check things out for yourself. Perfect storm conditions might end up as blue skies. Watch faces for signs of tension, sadness, or frustration. Watch bodies for adrenalin responses (using arms and legs to slam, stomp, pound, etc.) ASK. Offer reassurances--a soothing voice, a hand on a shoulder--that you are there and you care. And if, despite dire warnings, the storm never develops, acknowledge and celebrate that!

#3 Be prepared.

How can you respond lovingly to another's storm? By planning ahead. Plan to be available, if only to listen. Plan to be a calming presence. Plan to take nothing personally when those inevitable winds lash at you.

#4 Ride it out.

Ah, yes. Here's the tough one. Don't let someone else's storm become YOURS. We all say and do things when we're in a full-on mood hurricane, and it can get ugly. Yelling at the wind won't change its direction or force, and when you're talking about mood storms, adding your own wind only makes things worse. Remember: your role is not to stop the storm, get mad at it, sulk about it, or hide from it. Be present, and watch.

#5 Clean up as a team.

This is definitely THE most important part of mood- watching. Once that storm has passed and emotions have settled, it's time to assess the damage. Your role here is to engage your loved one in the process of learning from this torrential downpour of emotion. And be clear about this--BOTH of you can learn from it. Your intention is to discover ways to deal with similar storms more skillfully in the future.

#6 Enjoy the sun.

A common mistake we make is to dwell on the mood storm long after it has passed. Here comes the sun! Celebrate that, enjoy it, and don't get caught up in the memory of the dark clouds of yesterday.

#7 Don't worry about the next storm until you see it coming.

Sure, you want to keep your eye on the forecast, but you don't need to stay glued to the 24-hour weather channel. There's bound to be another mood storm eventually, but until then, revel in the sunshine.

By sharpening your mood-watching skills, you will develop greater mindfulness and learn how to handle whatever comes your way. Your loved ones will benefit from your loving attention, and you will pick up a few tips for the next time your own mood storm starts brewing.

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by: Maya Talisman Frost

Maya Talisman Frost is a mind masseuse in Portland, Oregon. Through her company, Real-World Mindfulness Training, she teaches eyes-wide-open ways to get calm, clear and creative. To subscribe to her free weekly ezine, the Friday Mind Massage, please visit http://www.MassageYourMind.com.
maya@mindmasseuse.com

Successful Weight Loss After Pregnancy

How fast you lose weight will depend on a number of factors, including the amount of weight you gained during your pregnancy.

Most women will lose anywhere from 10-14 pounds within the first 2 weeks of delivery. This weight may be attributed primarily to the loss of excess fluid in the body, the baby's weight, the placenta and amniotic fluid. Some women might lose a little bit less, and others might lose a little bit more.

As the uterus shrinks back down to its normal size and your hormone levels continue to fall, you will lose weight. Most women gain at least 7 pounds of fat during pregnancy. This fat is meant to help women store energy while breastfeeding. How fast this weight comes off will depend on a number of factors including: genetics, your overall health, diet and exercise.

You should expect that it will take a little bit of time to lose the weight you gained during pregnancy. It did after all take you nine months to put that weight on! Many women have successfully lost weight however, in just a few short months after a delivery.

Some women will hang on to the last few pounds they have to lose until they stop breastfeeding. Your body may want to cling to a few extra pounds to ensure you have enough energy to provide adequate milk for the baby. Every woman's experience is unique with respect to this.

The good news is that with a solid nutritional program and with moderate exercise, you can expect to lose the weight you gained during pregnancy within a reasonable time frame.

Most women will be back to their pre pregnancy weight within nine months of delivering IF they follow a regular exercise program and eat healthily after delivery. That said some women will lose their pregnancy weight in as little as six to twelve weeks!

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by: Beverley Brooke

Article by Beverley Brooke, full-time mom and author of "The Ultimate Guide to Weight Loss in the Post Partum" - http://www.pregnancy-weight-loss.com
beverley.brooke@healthandfinesse.com

Nurturing the Women

Female friendships that work are relationships in which women help each other belong to themselves. – Louise Bernikow, AMONG WOMEN

A woman must have courage to become a mother, whether by natural means or through adoption. A woman who gives birth requires a copious amount of courage in order to get that big creature out of a womb through such a tiny tunnel and into the world. It seems strange that we give medals for courage to kill but not for the courage to give life. In addition to not being able to give birth, a man cannot nurse a child. Nor can he tell a woman’s story.

Women’s storytelling intrigues me the most when women share the humor of their mistakes, the witty resolution of their conflicts, the harrowing tales of their crises. An evening in the company of life-loving women equips me with surplus energy while renewing my own outlook.

Write down your stories. Keep a diary or a journal. Jot down events of your day, feelings aroused by life’s surprises, lessons learned from encounters with fellow travelers. List the unforgettable moments in your past when you made key decisions about life, your future survival tools? Save the humorous gifts that flavor your days.

Record it all, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad—all have value. Your past might provide comfort for others, encouragement to continue. Your insights bloom into a legacy to pass on to daughters, sisters, and mothers who follow. You can leave your legacy of humor and survival even to sons and brothers who have been touched by your own special music. Within you are stories of love and loss, waiting to be shared with a friend, a mother, a sister, a daughter, or your future self through your journal.

From The Womanly Art of Alligator Wrestling: Inspirational Stories for Outrageous Women Who Survive by their Wisdom and Wit, by Ana Tampanna. www.allgatorqueen.com

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by: Ana Tampanna

Ana Tampanna, “The Alligator Queen” is author of “The Womanly Art of Alligator Wrestling: Inspirational Stories for Outrageous Women Who Survive by their Wisdom and Wit.” To learn about her speaking and coaching services and to sign up for her FREE ezine with power communication tools, life management tips, and special events, visit her website at http://www.alligatorqueen.com
NOTE: You’re welcome to “reprint” this article online as long as it remains complete and unaltered (including the “about the author” info at the end), and you send a copy of your reprint to ana@alligatorqueen.com.

6 Reasons to Exercise During Pregnancy

Everyone knows that exercise is good for your health. Exercising during pregnancy can have additional benefits. Generally, exercise should be light, especially during the first few weeks of pregnancy while your body adjusts to the changes. Heavy exercise can divert blood flow from crucial areas and most women that exercise regularly should tone down their workouts during pregnancy.

Walking, swimming, and yoga are two popular exercise activities suitable for pregnant women. Other forms of exercise like weight lifting are okay too as long as it is not too strenuous. Most experts recommend exercising 3-4 times a week, unless a medical condition prevents it. If in doubt, always consult a physician first. Listed below are some of the top reasons for exercising during pregnancy.

Exercise can reduce the length of labor and reduce recovery times. The right exercise routines will increase stamina needed for delivery.

Improve emotional health - exercise lowers stress and improves emotional health and can make it easier for the new mother to get through the experience of pregnancy.

Exercise can help with weight management after the child is born. A common concern with most mothers is losing weight after pregnancy. Exercising during pregnancy can make postpartum weight loss easier.

Exercise is good for your unborn baby. By keeping your body healthy, you are also helping out your baby.

Reduced pregnancy side effects - Symptoms like headaches, fatigue, swelling, and constipation are common in pregnant women. Exercising has been shown to reduce the occurence of these symptoms.

Decrease risk of premature birth - exercise has been shown in studies to decrease the risk of premature birth by about 50%.

Make sure to drink plenty of fluids before exercising, have a nutritious diet, and avoid over exertion. Also, listen to your body - if you start feeling sick or nauseous, then you should stop and rest.

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by: Criss White

Criss White is a professional web writer on baby and new mother topics for baby and pregnancy websites. For more articles by this author, visit My Baby Shower Favors (www.mybabyshowerfavors.com) and Babies and Showers (www.babiesandshowers.com).
Note: If you find this article useful, you may reprint it on your website, e-zine, or in your newsletter as long as the credits above remain in tact and the hyperlinks stay active.

10 Risk Factors that Every Pregnant Woman Should be Aware Of

Many factors affect the development of a fetus into a healthy child, some which are beyond your control and others that are within your control. Here are ten of the most common pregnancy risk factors that can be controlled or influenced:

Smoking - Smoking is not only bad for you, but bad for your baby as well. Smoking during pregnancy reduces the amount of oxygen that the baby receives and increases the risk of miscarriage, bleeding, and morning sickness. Chemicals inhaled while smoking may lead to other health problems with the baby. Reduced birth weight, premature birth, increased risk of SIDS, and stillbirth are other possible consequences. Pregnant women should also avoid second hand smoke.

Alcohol - Drinking can cause fetal alcohol syndrome, including symptoms like low birth weight, medical problems, and behavior abnormalities. As soon as you know you are pregnant, stop drinking. For more detailed information on problems that can be caused by alcohol, visit http://www.nofas.org.

Caffeine - There are many conflicting studies about caffeine and pregnancy and some believe that caffeine is not as harmful as it was once thought to be. Nevertheless, the FDA warns against caffeine consumption during pregnancy and suggests quitting or reducing consumption at the very least. Caffeine has been shown to affect fetal heart rates and awake time (fetuses grow when sleeping). Decaffeinated coffee can also be harmful since producers often add additional chemicals to remove the caffeine. Caffeine can also increase risk of stretch marks. Suddenly quitting coffee intake can cause headaches; so most experts recommend gradually reducing the amount consumed.

Drugs and Herbal Remedies - Always be careful about drugs or herbal remedies that are not prescribed by a doctor. These substances may affect the development of your unborn child.

Nutrition - Good nutrition is crucial to a developing child, particularly getting enough folic acid. Lack of folic acid can cause birth defects. At least 400-1000 micrograms of this B vitamin is suggested (about ten times more if you've already had a child with neural tube birth defects) starting one month before pregnant and throughout the entire pregnancy. Leafy vegetables, orange juice, and beans are some natural sources of folic acid. Many stores sell vitamins with folic acid.

Exercise - Moderate exercise is helpful as it improves the mother's mental state and can increase oxygen flow to the fetus. However, over-exertion can be dangerous. Most experts recommend reducing your exercise intensity during pregnancy. Activities like walking, swimming, and yoga are popular for pregnant women.

Prenatal Care - Regular doctor visits are important to your baby's development. The body undergoes many changes during pregnancy. Some side effects may be completely normal, whereas other may not. Regular monitoring by a professional will help ensure that your baby will be born healthy.

Multiple sex partners - Multiple sex partners can increase risk of STD's, which in turn may lead to birth and pregnancy complications, like low birth weight or premature birth.

Exposure to chemicals - During pregnancy, reduce exposure to unnatural chemicals, particularly pesticides in food. Many people now eat organic produce, which is grown without chemicals. The simplest precaution to take before consuming vegetables or fruits is to wash them thoroughly. Also, removing the outer surface of vegetables can be helpful since most pesticides will rest on the outside of the vegetable or fruit.

Other factors - Many other factors can affect fetal development, including heart disease, the mother's age (before 15 years and after 35 years is riskier), asthma, excessive stress or depression, diseases, and bleeding. Consult your physician if you are affected by any of these conditions.

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by: Criss White

Criss White is a professional web writer on baby and new mother topics for baby and pregnancy websites. For more articles by this author, visit My Baby Shower Favors (www.mybabyshowerfavors.com) and Babies and Showers (www.babiesandshowers.com).
Note: If you find this article useful, you may reprint it on your website, e-zine, or in your newsletter as long as the credits above remain in tact and the hyperlinks stay active.

Fashion Trends Spring 2005

The spring 2005 fashion trends show clothing and accessories that are very feminine and full of color, style and patterns. What are the experts forecasting for spring?

Fabric – Romance is in the air. The fabrics this season will be more feminine and light. We will see a lot of soft flowing fabrics such as chiffon and silk. A new trend this season is the big bold prints in wild designs. No longer dubbed the tacky, the big animal and floral prints will dominate the scene.

Handbags – Handbags are once again going to be designed for use. Bigger is definitely better! Purses will be oversized and versatile, held in the hand or slung over the shoulder. A bag has to hold all of the day’s necessities.

Color – White will be all around us for spring and there will be no avoiding it. The color scene seems to be all over the color pallet. Think citrus; alive, vibrant colors of oranges, limes and lemons will be everywhere. Corals, various shades of pink, blues, aqua, taupe and deep gold will also dominate this season’s fashion.

Jewelry – Pearls are still a front runner in the favorites for spring jewelry. Multiple layers of faux pearls and the “real deal” pearls will be combined in a big bunch to create long layered necklaces. Ears are no longer the focus this spring season, the arms are. Bangles and bracelets, big and small will take center stage in the jewelry industry. The earrings are moving from chandelier to long thin earrings and sapphires in pink set in gold will adorn many fingers this spring.

Clothing – It is once again fashionable to be feminine and lady like. Skirts will be loose fitting, fuller and patterned. No longer are the longer pencils skirts stylish, at the knee or just above the knee are all the rage. Blouses will have a lower neckline making room for some fabulous necklaces. You can kiss those low ride pants goodbye because they are history. Formal wear will be long and flowing in rich colors.

Shoe – Out go the big chunky heels and in go the thin, tall spiky heels. Women want comfort so the round nosed toes will be appreciated. Embellished shoes with stones, studs and patterns will dominate the market. Sandals will have a Greece flare. The wedge heel is going to be a big fashion in sandals.

Coats, Jackets — A huge item this spring for your wardrobe will be the trench coat; this time around it will be cinched at the waste with a sash. Say goodbye to the Poncho. It looks like that was a one-hit wonder.

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by: Lisa Jay

Lisa Jay is a freelance writer and the jewelry designer behind Lantana Designwear. You can visit her websites at http://www.LantanaDesignwear.com and http://www.JewelryMakingHQ.com
Be sure to sign up for her newsletter at http://www.LantanaDesignwear.com/signup_newsletter to receive information on jewelry, fashion and womens issues.

Fashion Tips: Express Yourself With Colors

Feeling troubled over what color to wear? What color makes you look good? Well, fashion is all about yourself. What you choose to wear every morning tells a lot about you and how you felt that day. Even your little handbag carries a little story.

Mixing and matching is a personal choice, you create your very own style!

Well, let’s get to understand and have fun with colors

White

A popular color in Fashion. Light and neutral, it goes well with any color.

Considered a summer color, a good choice for tops. Always have some in your wardrobe. It readily matches bottoms of any color; a pair of blue denim jeans, Khakis pants, a gray skirt, a bright colorful beach bermudas? You name it!

Associated with cleanliness and purity, innocence and gentleness…, it gives you a feeling of freedom and uncluttered openness. Women just always look that lovely in their snowy white wedding gown, don’t they?

Tips: add a little touch of white to brighten or lighten up your mood Eg. a white tank top with blue denim jean, white cotton jacket over a hot pink velour smocked baby doll dress or a simply all white for a simple breezy look

Black

A popular color in Fashion, always stylish and never out of trend

A good choice for bottoms. Directly opposite of white, it readily matches tops of any colors. Nonetheless, it is also a popular choice for tops, making the wearer appearing slimmer. A great complementary color for accessories like a pink sparkling evening bag, a diamond necklace…

A mysterious color, it gives you a feeling of perspective and depth. Symbolizing elegance and refinement, it is always regarded as a prestigious color.

Tips: pair up black with other dark colors for an attractive mature look Eg. a brown wool button front cardigan with black pinstripe bootcut pants, gray tweed cropped blazer with black stretch pintuck pencil skirt

Red

An expressive color extensively use in Fashion.

Most visible and lively of all colors, it creates attraction and excitement. The wearer naturally portraits an image of excitable, energetic, enthusiasm and confidence. Nonetheless, it also suggests an erotic feeling, a lady in red?

A physically inspiring color often associated with vitality and ambition, love & passion.

Tips: pair up red with colors within the red family itself for various moods Eg. a red retro style tee with maroon pleated skirt, hot pink cotton v-neck tank with red fleece collegiate mini skirt

Yellow

A color commonly use in Casual Fashion.

Similar to red, it creates attraction and excitement. However it suggests a more fun and sunshine mood. The wearer tends to bring about amusing cheeriness to the group. Usually liked by those who embrace changes.

The color of sunshine, often associated with joy, liveliness and optimism.

Tips: pair up yellow with dark or lucid cool colors for a striking youthful look Eg. a yellow ruched halter top with black wool full skirt, yellow roll edge t-shirt with turquoise polka dot tiered mini skirt

Blue

A popular color liked by most

Emotionally opposite of red & yellow, it brings about a very soothing & relaxing feel, pleasant to the eyes. Naturally refreshing in mood, it’s a good choice for daytime wear.

The color of summer skies and the sea, often associated with calmness, affection, idealism and inspiration.

Tips: match blue with white for a refreshing and sporty look Eg. a bright blue cotton v-neck hoodie with white stretch cotton studded pants, white terry track jacket with pale blue faded jean

Pink

A feminine color for girls

Similar to blue, it’s soothing and pleasant to the eyes. Naturally sweet in mood, it has a lasting girly appeal. Girls in pink tend to portrait a very sweet & pleasant image, always attractive to the guys.

The color of cotton candy, often associated with warm, everlasting affection & tender love

Tips: add a little pink to bring out the feminine touch Eg matching your black satin strapless sash dress with a neon pink nylon 'Tessuto Sport' baguette, pink collar tee with black stretched cotton cropped pant

Well, there are simply too many colors if I were to go on. I believe you should now have a feel of how matching of colors can be of so much fun? In simple, just play by the color rules:

Stick to one color (all white, blue, red…)

Hot goes with cool (match yellow with green or blue not with red )

Use neutral colors to draw the looks together (white, gray, beige and black are good neutral colors)

Play around with color of the same family (pink with maroon, sky blue with navy blue…)

Remember, you create your very own style. Have fun!

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by: Rick Valens

Rick Valens is a freelance writer for Fashion-In-Style, bringing to you new fashion ideas & lifestyle.
Visit now: http://www.fashion-in-style.com/
NOTE: You're free to republish this article on your website, in your newsletter, in your e-book or in other publications provided that the article is reproduced in its entirety, including the author information and all live website link as above.

Big Fine Women

Sometimes those of us of the male persuasion don’t like to admit things that we hold deep inside for fear that we’ll be made fun of. All of you men out there know exactly what I mean - if we admit we like to burp loudly, then we’re accused of being savages, therefore we can never admit to it. That also goes for a lot of other things that we like to do, but, if I write about any of them here this column will never be published, so don‘t even think about asking me what they are. It really is a shame, you know, not being able to admit this stuff, cause we men will always be men, and besides, an entrepreneur who could come up with a TV filter that would block out shows featuring Oprah, Kathie Lee Gifford, or Joan Rivers could become a billionaire overnight - just think about it.

Well, despite all that, it’s time we men proudly step up to the plate and admit to something. Something that all of us hold near and dear to our hearts. Something that makes us men, something that’s an inner part of our essence, and something that makes the world go around. And that something, ladies and gentlemen, is....

We love women who have a little meat on their bones.

God, there’s nothing better. A mature woman, a lady who’s lived a little, and one who has nice, full curves just makes the world go around. And that’s not just me talkin‘, either. Let’s face it, most of us men feel this way. We want to hold a woman that feels soft, one that sort of melts into you, and if she’s like that and also happens to be a good smoocher, well, she’s worth her weight in gold and then some. She’s a prime woman, a seasoned fine wine of a female, and she’ll only get better with age. Y’all think I’m off base on this? Just out there shooing flies in Alaska? Well then, please show me how many spinsters there are out there who are sassy and curvy? Not one. Nada. El zilcho. Let’s face it, all the old maids that I know of are skinnier than race track dogs on diets, and that‘s me being nice about it. When you get right down to it, a thin woman is pretty much like a small heater, very little warmth comes out and lots of maintenance is required. Need I say more?

It should be easy for you ladies to understand why we men feel this way. If you take a full figured woman into a lingerie store, all the clerks will nod and smile at you, acknowledging the fact that you’re one lucky man. She’s also the best movie companion that you can ever have because you’ll feel all sexy and warm sitting next to her, and you never have to worry that she won’t enjoy some popcorn because “it has too many fat grams.” She’s a great asset at a business dinner, as she’s typically quite smart and a great conversationalist, so she’ll mingle well with all the attendees. When you get right down to it, she’s a real woman, the best thing goin‘, and all the make-up and silicone in the world are pale subsitutes for her awesome, natural gifts. She’s an ace, pure and simple.

So, all you ladies out there, the next time you see some Paris fashion show on TV that features a bunch of malnourished waifs that don’t even make ripples in their clothes, just know that maybe two percent of the male population finds them attractive, and that two percent probably owns a complete set of Richard Simmons work-out tapes. That’s just the truth of it, consequences smon-sequences. Most of us men enjoy a nice, attractive woman of substance, the kind that we love so much that we deliberately take her to Italian or Mexican restaurants just so that we can make sure that she stays the woman she is. Just remember that less is not always better, unless you’re a visiting relative or someone pushing a pyramid marketing scheme involving insurance, cosmetics, or timeshare condominium sales...

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by: Ed Williams

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

Women Own Weddings!

This week we’re going to cover the subject of weddings from the man’s point of view....

That’s right, this week we’re gonna cover weddings from the man’s point of view. And why not? It’s June, right? The big wedding month? Well, okay then, let’s get down to business. Of all the activities or events that there are out there, one of the most feminine dominated ones are wedding ceremonies. Okay, laugh if you will, make all the comments you want about how weddings are for both the man and woman, and then sit back and answer the following questions to see if I’m not hittin’ it dead on the target...

What gender typically directs the wedding ceremony?

Whose preacher typically conducts the wedding ceremony?

Who is ninety plus percent of the crowd there to see, the about-to-be new husband or the about-to-be new wife?

Who benefits most from the bridal registry?

Which gender most enjoys dressing up for the ceremony, and which gender’s feet hurt for days afterwards on account of having to wear black leather shoes with triple thick soles?

Whose wedding clothing is preserved for posterity afterwards, and whose is immediately taken back to the rental place?

(..and here’s one to see if y’all are still paying attention) What gender typically pays for the whole ceremony?

See what I mean? And it gets even worse for the poor man involved. A guy who has a zillion girlfriends can announce one day that he’s found someone to marry, and everyone will laugh and wonder why he’s bothering to go through with a wedding at all, sort of the “why buy a cow....” type analogy. But, let a woman live with a man for ten years and then announce that she’s marrying him and having a big ceremony, well, no one will say ten words about the insanity of it all, in fact, it‘s usually applauded. Why? But it gets even worse for us males - the man, right after the ceremony, will be whisked away along with his new bride over to the wedding reception. This will typically be a super nice, catered affair, and one that the man has somewhat looked forward to as he has had to starve himself for several hours prior to the ceremony (he can’t have noises rumbling out of his stomach for everyone to hear while the vows are being recited, you know). As soon as he gets a little plate of food and readies himself for some much needed nutrition, he’ll be hemmed up by some of his new bride’s relatives and told to “be good to her,” or “treat her like we always did,” and my all-time personal favorite, “we’ll be keeping an eye on you.” What the male discovers over the next few years is that most of the relatives who made these statements are either unemployed, struggling with substance abuse problems, or else follow religions involving the handling of dangerous reptiles. Of course, in all fairness, all families have their share of drunks and losers, but for some reason the new bride’s deadbeat ones want to dole out lots of advice to the groom right after the wedding. I guess that’s because they realize that the man will soon discover the true scoop, and as a result they’ll never be able to give out any advice again, so they have to take full advantage of their one good chance to do so.

Personally, if I were single and getting married tomorrow, I would forgo a traditional wedding and opt for getting married on a cruise ship. And no, not because of all the nice places the ship would take me, but because getting married on a cruise ship means that the honeymoon begins just as soon as you walk back to your cabin. The honeymoon is the highlight of the whole marriage service for the male, and also happens to be the item that he typically has to wait the longest to enjoy, so getting married on a cruise ship eliminates this particular problem.

In conclusion, ladies, please don’t get too hacked off at me because of these observations - as much happiness as y’all bring into men’s lives, the least we men can do is endure the before noted horrors of the marriage ceremony itself. All in all, a couple of hours of torture vs. getting to spend the rest of your life with a lovely woman is well worth it all in the end. Well, well worth it all unless your bride has an old maid aunt with whiskers who wants to give you a big ole kiss when you run up on her in the reception line...

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by: Ed Williams

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.